Ways Your Mother Lied to You About Parenting

Um, Mom, we need to have a talk. No really! I know it took us forever to become parents, and when that first little bundle arrived you were beside yourself. Perhaps you got stuck in the new grandparent bubble and completely forgot to tell me a few critical things!

Why did you never mention all of the wet things I would come in contact with?

Snot?

Drool?

Pee?

Vomit?

It’s not that you technically lied, but I do remember that one time I got busted for an error of omission. Yeah, you claimed that was equal to a lie.

So, I hereby charge you with lying to me about the harsh truths of parenting!

You never told me I would become part referee and part hostage negotiator. You also never mentioned that the hostage would be me!

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Serioulsy kid? You’re killing me!

You neglected to mention that the new bundle of joy would be capable of making me look like a very smelly fudgsicle within seconds of walking into my first of many errands that need running.

I had a four-hour warning before becoming a mom, so I will give you a day or two of grace on this. However, why didn’t you mention that the ruffles on the diaper need to be out and that the penis gets tucked down? I didn’t end up just looking like I have a newborn but smelling like it too!

I know you mentioned the “Terrible Twos,” but where was the conversation about my children’s ability to hate what’s for dinner before I even figured out what to make?

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Gah! Third grade homework is turning me into a whiny eight year old!

Why wasn’t I warned that I was going to be repeating EVERY SINGLE GRADE all over again? I could have brushed back up on my multiplication tables and coloring skills to prepare for kindergarten! You could have minimally griped that homework was worse for the parents than the kids because whining, complaining, and stalling!

Mom! Seriously! I really could have used the heads up!

I’m pretty sure you didn’t tell me because I probably would never have believed that I would EVER let someone sit on my lap to snuggle while I went to the bathroom. Nope. Uh uh. Nah. Never gonna happen! Except that it does.

Thanks Mom! No, I mean that really!

I’m glad I didn’t know. It’s made the journey far more entertaining to be surprised by every new little thing. It has made every single IUI, surgery, needle poke, scan, transfer, round of IVF, parenting class, home study visit, and piece of paper that we had to fill out worth every single second! Parenting is a messy and hard job, but I wouldn’t trade this tantrum filled Leggo stepping life for anything!

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